Friday, June 11, 2004

Ups and downs. My decision to not try again is secure, though, because in the end while there may be a possible world in which it could work, that world is not this one—and in the end I would be signing up for a slow march into bitterness and regret. In the end, hell, I was feeling traces of it in the first month, the only month, the narrow window we had before (slam) it ended.
Keep writing. Try to get beyond the blocks of my norms, my boring old thruways.
What do I really feel? Sadness, I don’t want to talk to her call her feel her pain anymore.
Emptiness, something so essential missing here, there isn’t enough magic in my life, and my academic success sometimes feels out of control, sometimes seems to be the thing in charge the thing sweeping me along, passive against its ambition.
Not enough laughter, music, where the glowing afternoons, the spackled light of shade trees, where dancing, casual conversations—
now my epiphanies are all lonely ones.
it occurred to me rather suddenly, shockingly, that I never invite people out. I get invited or feel lonely.
not quite never, not really, but rarely, and usually in a half-assed way of half-steps, have you seen x, done y, oh yeah we should, blah blah blah.
so I just exist quietly in my own space. get high. fuck around on the internet, watch simpsons, whatever.
actually, these times can be precious, can be freeing, can make me feel more like myself—but then they end, I return to the loneliness of crowds, the hell of other people—
I’ve lost much of the ability to set myself apart, to show myself as something more than the tired masses. partly, no doubt, because I’ve partially joined them, but still I have a spark, an ability for heart-talk and transcendence, that I too rarely use these days. My comfort zones are too narrow.
Get on a program, I tell myself.
But then I’m busy and the day is gone and I’m tired tired tired and—
It already spirals ahead! Summer booked solid. Teaching all next year. Where the break? Where the space for other lives, dreams, desires?

And all the complaining in the world, all the same circles, well, go do it.
stream of consciousness not working anymore, just getting me to the same tired ponds.


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