5/28/04

I’m such a sucker for people stretching beyond their everyday limits—
the girls I fall for all have that—stretching against constraints, living beyond their station somehow, fighting through the bullshit that locks you down—getting carried away now but you get the message—so I fall for the relative, and forget the absolute. Forget that even if we’re both right at 75% of our potential (which ain’t bad man, ain’t bad), the gap can still be there and be too damn big. Fuck that it has to be, but there it is: Too damn big.
The romanticist in me, the romantic, fucking hates that, because that’s not the message I internalized—love conquers all man, I mean even if in the watered down, reasonable version of it I’m left with post-SC. So for me it’s another fall, another fall from innocence to realize it—she’s great, dear, sparkling. She’s fucking wonderful and how she disarms me, her guile-free laugh, her vein attempts at guile, her sideways suspicious eyes (damn—de ja), fucking spicy eyes!
So it’s another fall to have to realize her 75%, which is the most she’s going to be able to rev up to this late stage in the game, her 75% just ain’t enough.

All that said, I like that I love that thing in people—loving it lately with J-ya, that she’s able to meet me, to need me as an intimate friend, to call me late to not cry, to have me settle her—to be in sync enough that she could cue me like that—
when the conversation (gotta narrate so I’ll remember) starts she’s shaky, teary, on the edge of a collapse, holding it back—of course I ask, and she says yeah, something happened, in that way you do when its big. And I don’t ask, giving her time, and it’s too much, she’s there still or she’s not ready to go there, face it, so she stage directs in the way you should be able to do with your true friends: “Tell me about your day”. It’s weird and artificial as questions go, not something she’d ever ask, we’re past the phrasing, but in this case it’s what she needs: So I do. Go into it. Parts are boring, but I do those too. Just talk to her, lay it out, get her in: “you’re crazy to want to drive to Toronto! you should have just flown” and such.

Okay really bored of this story now.